MGS4 - First Impressions

In my attempt to formulate words to describe Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots (PS3), my vocabulary seems wholly inadequate. Were I to say that MGS4 is 'godlike', that in itself would be an insult to the great Hideo Kojima...mere words can not do justice to what MGS4 truly is. It is beyond human comprehension that such a heavenly game could even be thought of, let alone created. No, I'm wrong...it's not a game...it's a portal to nirvana...a gateway through which one can reach salvation. The best part? I say all of this after only playing through roughly 8 or 9 hours of the game. This was accomplished just today, starting at 10:00 AM and playing nonstop. I have only just now eaten a meal today. I am actually getting an idea of how Hideo Kojima made this game...I'm pretty sure (and this is after heavy research on my part to verify these facts) that he took MGS, MGS2, MGS3, crack-cocaine, the sun, Super Bowl Sunday, and Christmas and put all the ingredients into a giant pot and boiled them together. After that, he took 1 tablespoon of the resulting substance (anymore would've been considered suicide on his part for the sheer awesomeness) and took it in shot form, chasing it with Tequila. Then Hideo watched his favorite movie "Escape from New York" and then cried from it's sheer bodaciousness, and his tears were taken to a top secret lab in Japan, the same place they keep Godzilla. There, they extracted an element from the tears, known only as "FoxAwesome" and directly coated each MGS4 game disc. That is how this game was created. It has to be. I would speak of divine intervention, but Hideo is about as divine as you can get.

More impessions to come as I play the game further...

Just know that tonight, as I lay in bed searching for missing sleep, I will cry until I see Snake again.

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly - 1

The world of movies is a magical land, covered in new releases and previews that makes our skin tingle, and even so, there are also shocking announcements that make us cringe in disbelief and horror. This little segment is going to detail the Good (the stuff you look forward to), the Bad (the stuff that's not so hot) and the Ugly (the WTF M8 section).

JULY 22nd 2008

THE GOOD: Angels & Demons is officially filming, starring Tom Hanks reprising his role as Robert Langdon in this prequel based on Dan Brown's novel. The reason this qualifies as "Good" is because the storyline and plot are much more intriguing and less controversial for the sake of being controversial. Plus there's a helping hand of science involved. Oh, and Ewan McGregor is attached to the project. So that's definitely good. Ron Howard will be reprising his role as director, and overall, the film looks to be amazing, but especially so if everyone's gotten over some of the mindless controversy surrounding the first one. This prequel truly is the better of the two though. Let's hope the cinematic interpretation is equally so.



THE BAD: Jurassic Park IV. Okay, so that poster is fake and I had to search Google to find it, but that's the not the point of this (though it equally qualifies as "Bad"). Jurassic Park IV is listed in script form, not yet even to pre-production. There are a few glimmers of hope perhaps for this work, one is that William Monahan is the screenwriter for this project. Monahan wrote the scripts for The Departed and Kingdom of Heaven and having said that, knows how to write a decent screenplay (of course). However it would seem that unless Christian Bale (the newly appointed Savior of Franchises) becomes attached to this project, it's unlikely it'll be able to save the great novel and original film from the filth that Jurassic Park III and even the ending of The Lost World carved out for it.


THE UGLY: Dragon Ball the goddamn movie. Yeah, I know. You see why I saved it for last? The plot involves Young Goku (I knew my worst fears were confirmed when I read that) following his dying father's wishes and searching out Master Roshi. Now as far as I can tell, it's going to follow (roughly) the plot of the original series. They're probably saving the Z suffix for the sequel, God help us if it warrants a sequel. I can't even begin to fathom what else I could say regarding this....it comes out 2009....I'm gonna go kill myself.

Terminator: Salvation

Salvation of a historic series?

This won’t be too in depth, or too dramatic of a post…for I don’t have much depth or dramaticness. Yes, that word is on purpose.

As with many people my age (a large and ominous 20), the first ‘Terminator’ movie I saw was not the first one, but the second one, ‘Judgment Day’. And being but a small child at the time of viewing, I precisely remember my first true impression of the movie: when both the Terminator and the T1000 arrive in the “present-day” of 'Judgment Day', circa 1994, coming from the future of 2029. They both arrive in giant orbs of electricity…stark naked. I was more than shocked, I was really shocked.

Now that I’m more mature, albeit only slightly, I can truly appreciate the first two ‘Terminator’ movies for what they are…sheer brilliance. The third movie is left out of this “sheer brilliance” category for obvious reasons if you have seen it…the film just doesn’t come near the expansive story telling and pure righteousness of the first two. But let’s face it, the ‘Terminator’ series has hugely influenced the action/science fiction genre. After the mediocrity that was ‘Rise of the Machines’, can the series revive itself?

Yes, and the series will catapult once more to the forefront of moviegoer’s popularity. Why, Saxman, however do you come up with these outlandish statements? Well, of course I kid myself, as most avid moviegoers already know of ‘Salvation’ (especially after the teaser trailer from ‘The Dark Knight’) and the main reason it will be supreme-awesome-mindblowing-tubular-genius: Christian Bale.

Christian Bale as John Connor! Do I even have to say/type anything? I mean, really? He’s exactly the badass, manly man needed to portray the tough and hardened John Connor in the future. A quick glimpse at some of Bale’s roles to prove the point: most obviously his newly acquired role of Batman, Cleric John Preston in 'Equilibrium' (if you have not seen this movie, shame on you, you go now!), and his role in the '3:10 to Yuma' remake. Awesomeness in human form. But we all know about Christian Bale. What of the others in the upcoming movie?

Director of ‘Salvation’ McG doesn’t have the type of resume I’d vie for in making the next Terminator. His notables on “Director” list include the 'Charlie’s Angels' movies and 'We Are Marshall'…and that’s it. When it comes to being Producer, it’s all about the television shows, such as 'The O.C.' and 'Supernatural.' This having been said, I think he’ll do great things, because the man has a vision for the movie. He’s been quoted saying that his film will “…begin again very much in the spirit of what Nolan did with Batman.” So basically, taking the franchise and rebuffing it for today’s world. And with a great cast working under him, he’s going to change the way we view ‘Terminator’.

Bryce Dallas Howard (think main chick in The Village and Lady in the Water, and Gwen Stacy in Spider-Man 3) will play Kate Connor, John’s wife. She’s the daughter of the famous Ron Howard, nuff said, eh? Well she’s a damn brilliant actress, I would say. Her performances in the M. Night movies are stellar…cosmic is a better word. Oh yeah, and she’s gorgeous. I’m down with that.

But wait! Who oh who is the new Terminator? Sam Worthington, that’s who! An award winning and very famous Aussie actor, Sam has also been chosen by the great James Cameron to be the lead in his new movie 'Avatar,' which has nothing to do with the great Nickelodeon show. Yes, I watch Nickelodeon, get over it.

Others in the cast include Common, the rapper, Helen Bonham Carter, who’s basically amazingly amazing, Moon Bloodgood, and Anton Yelchin (who’s playing Pavel Chekov in the upcoming JJ Abrams Star Trek).

So…basically…all in all…this movie is taking the Terminator franchise in a new direction, with a new hero. That’s just plain exciting. Plain exciting? That’s an oxymoron. And I like it.

The Dark Knight!

If you haven't seen it, go see it!

If you have seen it, go see it again!

If you're a clown, put on make-up and go see it!

If you're scared of movies with "dark" in the title, bring night-vision and go see it!

If you're scared of comic book movies, bring a Faulkner novel and go see it!

'Nuff said. Here's a picture of the late Heath Ledger's greatest on-screen performance ever.



Here's a haiku of how awesome The Dark Knight is.

The Dark Knight is great
Ledger is a fuckin' king
God, haikus are gay

Apple Vs. Windows Pt. II

(A continuation. See the first post to catch up)

Unfortunately, the moral of this long drawn out tale of computer betrayal is that my iMac is dead. 3 Months old and the damn thing doesn't even work anymore. What's more is that when I called Apple Care to get it all fixed up nice and dandy, the lady on the phone seemed even more flabbergasted than I on how I destroyed it. In my narrative I would spell out in excruciating detail how the Windows commandos waited until the middle of the night and the middle of the conference between the two warring computer factions and then immediately invaded the remaining 300 gigs of space.

You see, instead of partitioning my drive like Boot Camp is supposed to, it just reformatted the whole damn thing into a Windows NTSF lay out. Well when it rebooted and I went to install Windows I obeyed all the normal commands. Unfortunately for me, I had the Windows Service Pack 1 CD, and you need Service Pack 2 specifically for Windows to run on an OS X Leopard Apple machine. So then I got stuck in a never-ending loop of installing windows until I finally figured out how to eject the CD and put the Leopard installer back in.

Again, most unfortunate because I could've solved all my problems if I had just reinstalled Leopard right there, but no. I had to screw it up even more. So now whenever I boot up my iMac it gets stuck on the damn white-loading screen and I can't do anything except make it beep and eject a CD in it (which is nice in some occasions).

So the morose ending to this sad tale is that I'm going home (Jax) this weekend and I have to take my useless brick of a computer with me and give it to the only Apple Store within 500 miles of me, and see if they can fix it over the course of the weekend. It's really quite the shituation. And yes, that does say "shit"-uation.

Anyways, enough pointless ramblings. I just wanted to wrap up this story so I can focus on writing more crap about movies and games and the like. And we might have a new writer participating in the coming days, so that'll be awesome. Peace out.

Grifball Team History (The Wal-Mart Greeters)

The Wal-Mart Greeters Introduce Division 13 to Every Day Low Scores

While working on the more narrative-based exposition of my Apple/Windows conflict, I figure I'll update you humble readers (all 3 of you) on the exploits of the local Grifball Team. First a little history.


The Wal-Mart Greeters came from simple enough beginnings...minimum wage, 24/7 store hours, and missing front teeth that gave a creepy lisp and awkward giddiness to everything they said. Things couldn't get any better. But there was more in store for these 6 humble men...and boys. Fresh off the happy-go-lucky sensations that only Rooster Teeth's Red Vs. Blue series could give them, and a new contagious Halo 3 sport known as Grifball, Team Captain-to-be Phlapjak (Brett Holton) gathered his forces. Yours truly, codename Foxtrotarmy while on the field joined in his crusade, and it wasn't long before InBreed (Nathan Monroe), and ages old acquaintance also caught the bug. The three set off to find pick-up games in the local matchmaking windows, and see if they could have what it takes to live the life of their idols and play in an official Grifball League. Just like the pros. During skirmish they met and were forced (reluctantly at first) to play with a wise-cracking referential humor genius who was known only by the enigmatic title of "Vinny." Fearing the Mob had finally caught up with him, InBreed disappeared from practices for a few days. Vinny's handle, Master Hotspot, inspired confidence in the others however, and enlisting a fire-breathing young rookie named DaLil Irish7 (James Kearney) the team was formed.

The "Master" Hotspot took Irish under his wing and trained him in the ways of the Roflcopter but was immediately frustrated with the young rook's progress, demoting him to the emasculating callsign of "Free Smackies." Smackies was known to drink his way to sleep in the hotels while on the road due to the humiliation. But while Hotspot and Irish trained themselves to death every night, Phlapjak and Foxtrot were busy strategizing. They realized that more was needed, especially Red Shirts and back up players. InBreed was found through contacts in the FBI and brought back onto the roster. Now with one back up ready to go at a moment's notice, the team began formal practices. They recruited hobos and vagabonds to play against them, lining the walls of their little local Grifball court with their blood. Soon they were running out of ragamuffins to practice against. Then a figure from Foxtrot's past entered the equation.

Devilish Jumper (Two Ton Production's very own DL Crews) appeared from the shadows of a misty morning and offered his services, valiantly taking up any kind of opposing force against the newly forming Wal-Mart Greeters. His intense defenses as well as hardcore training regime formed the several other pick-up players into a well-oiled practice squad and gave the Wal-Mart Greeters the training they needed to get into shape for the coming Season. But no tale like this ends happily for all involved.

Jumper was shortly thereafter shanghaied when found passed out a pub, drunk. The Wal-Mart Greeters never saw him again, though occasionally get postcards from exotic locales with "help me" written in encoded letters on the back. They don't often write back.

Game Time. Wednesday, July 16th 2008 and the Wal-Mart Greeters are stretching out, putting on their armor, and preparing for a whirlwind adventure in hammering, swording, exploding, scoring (in both a sporting and biblical sense), and complete and utter desecration of corpses. Only one problem. Master Hotspot was nowhere to be found, his protege, Irish, ready to go at a moment's notice. InBreed had once again felt that Hotspot's disappearance met impending doom and had similarly vanished off the face of the Earth. With only three players and only five minutes to game time, the Wal-Mart Greeters seemed doomed to forfeit their first official double-header, and start the season 0-2.
Phlapjak pulled a dangerous gambit. Pulling in a familial relation who had trained with the team in the past, a last minute replacement seemed to save the day. But then Hotspot appeared at the last second, moments before the buzzers sounded and the team walked onto the court. The team signed autographs and wished their fans goodbye as they were ushered by officials onto the court for the opening song and dance. It was a beautiful number, and when the first bell rang out and the ball dropped into the center of the court, the Wal-Mart Greeters (Phlapjak, Foxtrotarmy, Master Hotspot, and DaLil Irish7) became reality, and Division 13 subsequently exploded.


NEXT TIME: SUMMER LEAGUE WEEK ONE HIGHLIGHTS

Apple Training Facility Ransacked by Microsoft Commandoes Pt.1

Millions of Innocent Megabytes Destroyed Where They Slept

I come today bearing the gravest of news. A dastardly attack brought on by Bill Gates' private cyber-army during a movement towards a peaceful coexistant between Steve Jobs' humble little iMaccers. The battlefield: Tallahassee. The Time: The middle of the goddamn night.

Young Robert Kearney decided that one fateful night he was tired of the fighting. Of the heartbreak. Could he ever reconcile the thousands of dollars of entertaining videogames with the thousands of dollars of the state-of-the-art film editing and screenwriting software he had floating around? He could if he made a bold proposal. Unbeknownst to him he would set in motion a cataclysmic series of events that would forever alter the battlefield of his desktop computer, and bring back and old ally turned foe in the form of his MacBook Pro.

So Mr. Kearney proposed to the Apple Gods a new training regime. Get the Apple-minded megabytes the proper training they needed and prepare them for a diplomatic mission. They had all ready become quite adept and familiar with dealing with the Microsoft Office ambassadors, and the two got along quite well, signs that a hopeful future was brimming for the normally hostile factions. Kearney was pleased.

The name of the program was Boot Camp. Put the little cyber-trites through a rigorous training exerciser, pen off a section of their land and send an invite to the Microsoft neighbors to set up shot and begin the road to a bright future of cooperation. Final Cut and Brothers in Arms working in unison? Making...machinimas even? Perhaps too futuristic for this piece, and too far fetched considering the outcome of the night's dire events. The land of Hard Drive-ville was split, literally. 40 gigabytes of land was inspected, cleaned, and squared off for the new Microsoft diplomats. The CD drive whirred and Kearney brought in the new arrivals, not sensing the Trojan Horse-like intent the otherwise benign-appearing politico-bytes had.

When the gates opened, the Microsoft programs entered cautiously, sensing danger, but found only open arms and fresh clean land to lay claim to. Never before has such a generous offer been made all in the name of electronic entertainment. But could it last?

NEXT: Part II - Border Breakouts, and Early Skirmishes.